My housemate, and fellow mentee, was told something interesting by his supervisor today. He was told, "You have been consuming more here that producing. It's time to stop consuming and start producing." I have to say that I don't think you should ever stop doing either. One compliments and steers the other. I also have to say, "How do you know I'm not "producing?" I may not be giving you specifically what you are looking for, but I doubt I can go through a second of life without creating, or producing anything. It may be that my housemate is in a place in his life where consuming the knowledge that is surrounding him is more vital to his journey. But it could also be that it takes so much more courage and strength to create something for others to see than it does just to let things soak in. I don’t know about my housemate, but this is pretty much where I am.
I don’t really know much about physics or energy, although I’m always fascinated when I have a good teacher who can show me the way, and I like to think I’m a good student even if I can’t really remember the facts when they leave my side because the English major in me always remembers the themes. But I’m pretty sure that physics will back me up at some level when I say that there really does need to be an equal balance of consumption and creation. When there isn’t, all of the energy gets stored in one place, with no way to be transferred, transformed. No way to reach someone else’s body, heart and soul.
Now, you may be thinking, "Well, if it's good knowledge, good feelings, good insights that I'm consuming, why on Earth would I want to give it away? I'll keep it for a rainy day."
Well, sorry my friends it doesn't work that way. If you don't create with it, if you don't pass it along, then you end up like me, with the opposite of writer's block. Full of so many thoughts and emotions that are so uncategorized that you can barely think and feel like at any moment you may just explode.
Others out there may be saying to my first set of imaginary friends, "How dare you even think of keeping all of those good things to yourselves! Anyone who would do that is selfish. With all of the bad things going on we need some of those good things too, goodness gracious!"
Now, don't be so hasty to judge them, my friends. It's hard to give that energy away because first you have to take inventory of exactly what you have. This is terrifying! Because you have to let all of that light, and goodness, and love permeate through your body. You may think this is easy but I know that I personally have put up a wall around me that actually keeps good things out. It’s much easier for me to complain and whine about a cold, or a grumpy co-worker, or the aggressive newscaster, than it is for me to joyously report the giggle-filled chills I got when I saw a toddler waddling down the street, or heard a beautiful concerto, or spoke with a complete stranger at the coffee shop. Why? First because I have to recognize that I felt that way and heaven forbid, feel good! And secondly, if I do recognize it I don’t know what to do with it. Some part of my brain thinks that people want to hear the good stuff. Another part of my brain is afraid I won’t do the story justice, and people will look at me like I am a four year old who just learned to tie her shoe, “Good for you, dear.”
But you have to let it out. You have to create. You have to pass the energy along. Or it will consume you. You will become constantly antsy or depressed. How can good things make you depressed? Well energy cannot be created or destroyed, right? So, without sharing that energy and bringing it back out into the physical world it cannot be experienced again. You can’t feel it. You can’t recreate it with your memories, only transfer it with your actions, so that longing to feel it again consumes you, and ta-da depression!
The moral of this story is, “I should write more.” But seriously, think about the fact that we are afraid of and unsure of how to process and experience those moments that are so full of light. I have been. Then think about how hard it is to experience that blissful light when it comes from inside you. I have been. And while you do, you can meditate on the quote that seems to capture the summer for me:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marrianne Williamson
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